Top 10 Reasons My Eye Is Twitching

Top 10 reasons my eye is twitching, David Letterman style, except WAY LESS CONCISE AND TO THE POINT.

So my eye has been twitching for the better part of a week! Just when I thought it was going to stop, both eyes started to twitch...lol! Freaking hilarious, uber (that's my husbands favorite word...just ask him...lol. No, I would never do that to you! DON'T ASK HIM...I REPEAT FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, DON'T ASK HIM! He would actually blow a gasket if he knew I was using it. LOL) irritating. So here are the reasons that my stress is manifesting itself in some wackadoo eye twitches....

1. I have a 17 yr old AND a 13 yr old. I ALSO have a 6 yr old who acts like said 17 yr old and a 4 yr old who acts as said 13 yr old. Note to self, in next life, please have children closer together to minimize these issues. Not sure that would help, since once my son became a teen my husband reverted to being a 17 yr old. There are no shortage of fart jokes or farts themselves for that matter! The use of the word "balls" in any context results in more jokes and well...Lord help me!

    2. My fridge is too small. It is bursting at the seams! Trying to buy groceries for a family of 6, with fresh produce for smoothies and stuff is near impossible. Solution? Get another fridge, tried that! Do you know how much it costs to run an extra fridge in the garage...well lets say our budget ain't havin it! I dread grocery shopping and trying to arrange them in the fridge so things don't come spilling out! UGH!!!!!

 
   3. SpiderMEN/ have taken up residence in my home and are constantly climbing the tiny hallway which is also the entrance to my bedroom. To make matters worse, my older son also installed a pull up bar in my doorway, so these SpiderMEN now climb the walls and then use this pull up bar to launch themselves in a gymnastic like fashion INTO my room. Mind you my four year old has been keeping her eye on this behavior and tried her Spiderwoman skills, but thanks be to God that her little legs are not quite long enough or strong enough to get her to the top. (people with the spider gene in my home are my 2 sons and my older daughter) I am trying to repress further development of my youngest daughters spidey gene!)

   4. In an effort to delay my inevitable admission to the loony bin, I have taken to buying 2 of everything. So, there are probably 3-4 hair brushes in this house (I have my own, the kids have theirs), 2 hairsprays, 2 bottles of lotion, 2 toothpastes.....and so on and so forth. YET for some reason when I go to use "my stuff" it is GONE!!!! Why, oh why!!!

  5. Termites, I have them (actually I birthed them)! I have a severe case of them! They are worse than any you have ever encountered! One of them weighs a healthy 55 lbs and the other weighs in at....oh, say 35 lbs....you can tell where they have been, as they leave their trail of consumed destruction from room to room. I hear them...their little munches and crunches of prohibited snacks and treats. They are very cunning little creatures, these termites of mine. They shun their traditional diet of wooden structures and instead opt for Cheetos and Oreos. So this is how it goes down, one of them comes into the kitchen late at night and they conceal their little termite body behind the makeshift pantry door that is a curtain. Under this cloak they fill their hands full of forbidden snacks and scurry away. In the light of day is when empty packages are found, still laying where they were so carefully placed. Lesson learned, hide "special" items from the reach of termites, or your cravings for any "treat" will be unfulfilled.

   6. My bank account is bulimic. It keeps spitting my money out through my ATM card. Just when it starts to heal after some serious therapy (cut backs) some sort of relapse occurs in the form of say filling the car tank of an SUV and a monster truck....lol. OR maybe we just bought the kids some pants because they needed some without holes in the knees. Of course though, this is when Mother Nature in her recent display of constant bi~polarism has decided to stop taking her meds and all of a sudden rainy days turn into scorching days of weather in the high 90's and therefore a summer wardrobe is needed!!!!!


    7. I am wayyyy behind on my 2013 bucket list! So behind, that....OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM GOING TO ADMIT THIS...okay...don't tell anyone because I am rather ashamed...I haven't even completed ONE task. This Hypothyroidism, anemia and the GI issues are wrecking my goals! Screw you health issues!!! You are not welcome here!


  8. On a very pleasant afternoon last week, the door bell rang and there stood the UPS Man in his brown UPS shorts with a box, a rather large box....for ME!!!! Yay! It was from my oh so sweet mother in law. I get the box inside and tear it open! Inside the box, lay MORE boxes, 7 to be exact. The termites took quite an interest in the beautiful, shiny, glittery gold boxes. So, I enter the restroom a few short hours later and see the light switch covered in brown....goo? I call them into the bathroom where ONE has brown stuff on the side of their termite face. I say, were you getting into the gold boxes???? No, no Mommy (says the termite). More sternly I say, WERE YOU GETTING INTO THE GOLD BOXES???? The termite hangs their head and says, yes Mommy it was me. Thank GOD it was just chocolate on the bathroom wall and light switch from the little termite trying to cover their termite tracks!!! For a second I was scared!

     9. I am tired

 

    10. And I need a nap...........GOOD NIGHT!

 

Thank you, you have been a great audience! Can't believe this is my life, I love my life, I love laundry, I love dishes, I love tempermental teens, I love it, I love it, I SAID I LOVE IT, CUZ I DOOOOOO....can somebody please pass the Xanax....just kidding, I didn't say that last part! #motherhoodisbliss #hastagsdontworkhere #gohomechiquitalatinayouwishyouweredrunkrightaboutnow ........take it easy, these are jokes people! No one was hurt during the writing of this blog. I am out!